Just because you know, your siblings know, and your children know that one or both of your parents need a caregiver, it doesn’t mean your parents know, or more likely, even want a caregiver in their home. The fact is, for most elderly parents, when it comes time to needing a caregiving, whether it’s a family caregiver or a professional caregiver you have hired, they will in many cases resist the idea. For some elderly people, a caregiver means you’ve lost your independence–you’re truly old now–and you can’t do everything you’d like to do on your own now. Part of your life will be managed by someone else and that’s a tough pill to swallow. Here are a few tips to help you address these concerns with parents and to help them get over the resistance of having a caregiver.
1. Be persistent.
Patience and persistence go a long way toward making conversations productive. Don’t go in with the expectation that everything should be resolved in one sitting. You will probably have to bring up your concerns to your parents numerous times — so be patient. Bombarding the senior you love with too much information in a single conversation can needlessly trigger their fear of losing control. And if your loved one has dementia or a cognitive impairment, they may be unable to take in too much information at once.
2. Avoid power struggles — pick your battles.
Don’t push, nag, or harass your parents. Giving ultimatums will only get them upset, and yelling, arguing, slamming doors, and so on could seriously damage your relationship with them. Instead, empower your loved one by making them a part of every decision. Validate their emotions and show them that you value their opinions and come to decisions that are favorable to both parties.
3. Be sensitive.
Criticism and judgment can also put your parents on the defensive. Bluntly telling parents that they don’t know how to manage their own lives will not win them over. Instead, stick to “I” statements, such as, “I’m feeling concerned because you look like you’re losing weight and I’m worried that you’re not eating enough.” Show them your concern without being judgmental.
4. Timing is everything.
Productive conversations never happen when everyone is feeling stressed out or tired. Make sure you choose to have “tough” conversations on days when your parents are feeling relaxed rather than depressed or anxious. That goes for you, too: avoid talking when you feel particularly stressed because your anxiety will only add to their concerns, and get them more stressed too.
5. Stay calm.
On some level, your parents are likely aware that they are facing some new challenges, so avoiding discussions about their future might seem safer to them than admitting to what the reality actually is Stating your concerns calmly and speaking with love and tenderness can help reassure them that change will be okay and that you’ll get through it together as a family.
6. Spend more time with them.
Although you may not have much extra time, try spending a little more of it with your parents (that is, if the relationship is not a source of conflict). As your parents continue to age, they will likely appreciate a little more attention. Your interactions might even become more harmonious if they know you are prioritizing them instead of squeezing it into a hectic schedule.
7. Ask questions.
Instead of talking AT your parents, talk TO them by involving them in the conversation. Start by asking open-ended questions such as “Why don’t you want your cousin Edith to come in and prepare your meals?” This approach may allow them to reflect upon their situation and conclude that a change really is in order.
8. Come up with solutions.
Focus on addressing your parents’ concerns rather than telling them what they should do. Commit to doing your research, and if you don’t have an answer, don’t make one up. The goal here is to build trust and foster a spirit of mutual support and cooperation.
9. Focus on the benefits.
Always focus on the benefits of your proposed solution. For instance, if you see assisted living as the answer, emphasize the variety of social and recreational activities that these communities offer. If you think bringing in a home caregiver is the solution, discuss the benefits of being at home and around their family and friends.
10. Bring in other siblings.
Remember, caregiving is a large responsibility, one that you shouldn’t have to take on alone. If you have other siblings, ask them to talk to your parents. Just make sure that you see eye-to-eye on the important issues.
11. Enlist the support of friends.
Consider scheduling a family meeting that includes a close friend or neighbor. Sometimes it can be easier to hear the truth from someone outside of the family. Most parents don’t like listening to their children as we all know!
12. Talk to their doctor.
If all else fails, contact your parents’ doctor and let them know about your concern for your parents’ well-being. In the end, a medical professional may be the one person whose advice your parents will heed.
13. Outline the consequences.
If your parents are still bound and determined to stay in their four-bedroom house or to keep driving, calmly let them know about the possible consequences of their actions. Don’t frame things in punitive terms or talk to them like they’re children. Instead, remind them that their actions extend beyond the family. “Mom, I love you and want you to be independent, but I also don’t want that independence to come at the cost of hurting someone because of a car accident you cause” can be a potent wake-up call.
14. Accept the situation; don’t beat yourself up.
It is difficult to watch your loved one face challenges caused by aging, especially if they are not receptive to help. However, you can only do so much convincing and pleading to change their minds or to get them to explore new options. Work with your own counselor or support group to accept the situation for what it is and know what you cannot change (and what you can).
15. Treat your aging parents like adults.
Your parents are still your parents, and it can feel jarring to them and to you if you begin treating them like the child in the relationship. Remember that your parents are adults and they deserve to be treated as such. During your conversations, focus on empowering them and giving them plenty of choices and input into every decision.We can help you find a qualified, professional and compassionate caregiver. Fill in this quick form and we’ll get right back to you: https://www.pillarcare.com/elderly-care or call to our hotline: +6015-48400160 or text/WhatsApp at: +6018-2209030
